Constantly Contridicted.

2012-02-12T03:46:00.003Z

You know those days, when all is kinda dark, everything looks bleak and you just can't really phantom how this gets better? Then you see this photograph, or you hear this song or you read something and all of a sudden you remember all the things worth living for. All the things worth fighting for. Remember all the beauty that could, that does exist in life - if only you look for it.

You've saved me. And I just want to be the one to give it back. To remind someone that you do still care. To remind you there's more out there. To remind you there's nothing so great, so immovable, so enduring, so magical as the propensity of hope, belief or love. To remind you, of you.

2012-02-01T02:58:00.003Z

Who would've known, 15 year old me had all the wisdom I'd ever need. lol

2012-01-31T02:35:00.001Z

Even when I was a kid, I wished I was a kid.

"You've taken me back right to the place I needed to be. Somewhere I needed to believe again."

2012-01-23T16:53:00.003Z

There's something innately miserable about knowing your entire family is celebrating half a world away under the warm sunshine while you're alone, cold and possibly going crazy.

"what's the point in all this screaming, no one's listening anyway"

2012-01-12T01:22:00.000Z

You can be that friend that I used to know.

2012-01-05T15:42:00.000Z

"to be safe we give up our only chance of knowing."

2012-01-03T15:38:00.002Z

My first lesson of 2012:

Somedays, growing up isn't about doing the right thing. It's about putting yourself first, knowing which battles to pick, which wars to win and knowing what matters the most.

2011-12-25T20:29:00.002Z

"I'll open up and be your parachute, and I'll never let you down,

So open up and be my human angel, and we'll only hit the ground."

2011-12-15T21:37:00.001Z

"I promise to sing to you, when all the music dies."

2011-12-13T19:01:00.000Z

"Forever can never be long enough for me, to feel like I've had long enough with you."

2011-12-11T03:32:00.000Z

Because when I hear other people talk about it, I know they're not talking about us.

2011-12-10T06:17:00.002Z

What's real, is what you believe.

2011-12-07T20:47:00.003Z

I remember being 14 and the first song I fell in love with. Somedays I think, that's something we do when you're young. And this song comes along, something always comes along, it changes your day, and it's a feeling for forever.

All my love, A.M. Forever.

2011-12-07T01:14:00.001Z

"See it feels bad now, but it's gonna to get better someday."

2011-12-04T20:36:00.001Z

Life sends you all kinds of temptations along the way. You came along and whispered what I wanted to hear. Told me I would have everything I wanted and sang a song I never wanted to end. Blinded me like city lights, with power and fame and wealth and all the promises of joy that come with shock and awe. And I listened. I chased. Chased with bleeding hands and a strangled heart for the desperation of a single sip to taste that life. The life I thought I was suppose to have. The life I should want. The only life I could have. So I ran. Followed with a numbness to anything and everything else around me till all I could see was you.

But that's the thing about temptations. They're never there, till you let them in. But, they're never big enough to fill the whole picture. Someday the light shines in from behind. And you remember there is more.

2011-12-01T00:03:00.003Z

Some people believe in god. Some people believe in a higher power. Some people believe in love. Some people believe in religion. Some people believe in a cosmic force. Some people believe in their partners. Some people believe in, themselves.

I believe in penguins.

Why?

First, you see, they're cute and everything. They walk funny and that's adorable. They make funny sounds. Then you see that they're amazing creatures. The way they fly through water and glide on land. Adapting, effortlessly. Their swiftness as hunter and prey. Their majesty of uncrowned heads. They waddle, but it's graceful. Then, you see the things that make them beautiful.

The way penguins mate for life. When they find one another, it's forever. The way their song finds their way back to each other half a world away. Their courtesies and manners. How they bow and respect their companions. The way family matters. Their selflessness with their young. The way they compete and fight, but live in a colony keeping each other warm in winters. Ultimately, its their incredible propensity to love.

There's nothing more amazing than that.

2011-11-30T23:35:00.003Z

You know the thing about giving something away? Or when someone takes something from you? Sometimes, sometimes, you can take it back.

2011-11-27T02:39:00.001Z

the painful song of silence.

2011-11-26T20:17:00.002Z

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

Tolkien should be god.

2011-11-20T03:25:00.001Z

Everything is the same, right until the point it isn't.

"In the city of blinding lights..."

2011-11-18T13:52:00.000Z

"I love old things. They make me feel sad."

"What's good about sad?"

"It's happy for deep people."

2011-11-17T01:51:00.001Z

I'll be your April and you can be my forever apart.

2011-11-16T23:43:00.000Z

P.S. for giving me a reason to believe that there is a reason to believe. Thank you.

2011-11-15T22:25:00.001Z

"Words are, in my not so humble opinion, the most inexhaustible source of magic." ♥

2011-11-11T11:11:00.000Z

Make a wish. Or 3. ;)

2011-11-09T14:39:00.001Z

"is this goodbye? Can you hear me screaming everything's alright. Is this our goodbye? Please don't walk away this time."

2011-11-08T20:26:00.001Z

Home is where the heart it. And love will tear you apart.

2011-11-07T20:17:00.000Z

Life isn't a fairytale. But I want you to see the magic.

2011-10-20T00:35:00.001+01:00

I think the second I fell in love, my life was forfeit. The idea of normal human living forever beyond my reach. What's life going through the normal motions? What's life studying and working and suffering and misery and unhappiness. Life of expectation and limitation and judgement. Life isn't for me. But only in life do you love.

And I'm in one beautiful all consuming everlasting love affair.

"My purest love is a book is my hand, twirling about a plane of green on a cliff above the sound of orchestra oceans, the smell of sea and the blinding sun and sky with the song of piano crashing melodies everywhere."

2011-10-16T04:00:00.003+01:00

Life is like, a box of crayons. All shapes and sizes. In all colors. It's hard to tell which are the ones that would color the magic into your world and which are the ones that would snap in your hands leaving your picture a black and white.

2011-10-10T23:47:00.004+01:00

Sand is scary.

The way it's so fine and miniscule, defined and blurred at the same time. It's one thing. Sand. But, the composition is, infinite. What you compose it of shapes the way it turns out. Then, it can be anything you want it to be, if you make it so. You pick it up and before you grasp it, it slips through your fingers, overspilling from your hand. You're helpless. Grasping it tighter makes it fall faster. Even just holding it sees it slip away. Funnel it right and maybe it'll go somewhat at a pace you want. Holding it loosely means you'll have some left, but leave it there in the palm of your hand and it's nothing until the wind comes and it too is gone. There's alot of it. It's everywhere in the right places. But you'll never get to hold onto it. Maybe if you're lucky a few stubborn grains stick. But mostly? All you can do is savour a feel of the impossibly fine texture, a few seconds to admire the wonder of it, a moment to marvel at its beauty and the fleeting memory of the cool feel in your hands.

Sound familiar?

2011-10-09T01:15:00.002+01:00

There's something about old places. Not just some historical or emotional significance. Like being in a place that's virtually been untouched since it's last occupants. It's almost like, it's all here. It's not a frozen moment, dust marks the passing of time. But it's that feeling, like, it's not stop, it's on pause. Like any second, its all going to continue - everything left as it is, someone's going to come back at any minute. In that moment, their spirit calls to you. They're there. And you touch some part of a life you've never known.

It's pure magic.

2011-10-08T01:21:00.001+01:00

A good picture like life, is not defined by it's attractiveness, perfection or beauty. It's about timing and seeing the magic in the imperfections.

2011-10-02T01:25:00.002+01:00

Unmarred perfect blue skies are all pretty and good. But it's the drama and light shadows through imperfections of undefined clouds that make it beautiful.

"That's what I want. I don't want to choose between two. I want to be a complete head over heels idiots for one!"

2011-09-29T17:04:00.003+01:00

Life is the ultimate trust exercise.

You have to trust you're in the right place. You have to trust that you are exactly where you have to be when you are or have to be there. You have to trust that, something, somewhere out there is worth it all. You have to trust that it'll all turn out for the better. You have to trust that there is a bigger picture.

All this hanging on. Without anything to hold on to. No collateral. All this just because of one thing. We have hope.

2011-09-18T13:20:00.004+01:00

You know that feeling, on a winter morning when it's too cold and you refuse to get out of bed? It took you all night to warm that spot. It's safe. And comforting. And protected in that cocoon of duvet and pillows and bed. You toss and turn. Turn on and off the snooze button. Stare out at the window of snow fall. Rubbing your feet together already anticipating the cold in your mind. Only you make it worst, because all you can do is imagine.

Thing is, no matter what, you eventually have to get out of bed. And maybe, then, it's not so bad.

2011-09-18T10:26:00.001+01:00

Sometimes, a huge realization dawns upon you and all you can say is HOLY SHIT.

2011-09-14T21:39:00.002+01:00

Door 1: no

Door 2: no

Door 3: no

It's you. It's always you. ♥

"Some people show off their beauty because they want the world to see it. Others try to hide their beauty because they want the world to see something else."

2011-09-13T21:47:00.003+01:00

"I know. It's all wrong. By rights, we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was, when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines, it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back. Only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

What are we holding onto Sam?

That there's some good in this world Mr. Frodo... and its worth fighting for."

Some light in the dark.

2011-09-04T22:53:00.002+01:00

I wish you were here.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole, just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound..."

2011-09-02T20:15:00.001+01:00

I turned 21. And then I cleaned the toilet. truestory.

2011-09-01T18:00:00.002+01:00

Door number one: Safe

Door number two: Fun

Door number three: Understanding.

What would you choose?

2011-08-31T20:33:00.003+01:00

Relationships, friends, partners, family, are kinda like debts. Having them is something you would not have unless you made the choice to. Having them means a little something extra. Having them also means a little more liability - in a moment, there's a part of us out there. A part of us beholden to someone else. Our little hopes and dreams and expectations and thoughts and beliefs held as collateral in an entity completely detached from yourself. It's a perpetual risk. We could choose not to entwine ourselves in this tricky business. But where would that leave you? A little less liable, but a little less enriched. A debt ratio under-leveraged. Synergistic value wasted.

Life brings us to play both parts. Sometimes we're debtors ourselves, and others, creditors to someone else. The risk is endless. Somedays you wonder if you can pay off. Somedays you wonder if you're going to get paid off. Somedays you wonder if maybe some debts aren't going to be collected. Somedays you may have to overwrite them to bad debts and just, accept the bad investment and move on.

If only life were a balance sheet.

"Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

Are you?

2011-08-27T17:36:00.002+01:00

I want to run out into the street, straight into some crazy wind and just, pirouette until the world becomes blurry.

2011-08-21T17:01:00.001+01:00

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,

Doubt that the sun doth move,

Doubt truth to be a liar,

But never doubt I love."

Why don't we talk like that anymore?

2011-08-21T16:14:00.002+01:00

Much like the ripples created by nearly unseen raindrops, it's often that it's not the person or thing that truly affects us. Only what they left behind.

2011-08-17T02:40:00.001+01:00

Someone once told me: "Don't destroy yourself in anger. Destroy the person responsible with your anger."

Seems to make total sense to me. Let's get this going then.

2011-08-16T17:13:00.001+01:00

What we used to say:

"All good/nice/decent guys are either taken or gay."

What actually happens now:

"All good/nice/decent guys are either taken, gay or never in the same place as you."

The mark of globalization. Totally should put this in an essay. Truestory. FML.

2011-08-16T03:15:00.001+01:00

"Not all who wander are lost."

2011-07-30T19:13:00.002+01:00

2am. Sitting on the edge of the roof. One star in the sky. No wind. Waiting for a sign. The only thing I get, is that feeling. When you're standing near the edge, and down is long ways away, and you just feel like jumping. Just to see what happens.

2011-06-09T15:54:00.002+01:00

Funny the things you think you've let go off. Often, we cling to things we don't want to leave us; without knowing they've long been gone. Other times we think we've let go of things, strongly moving on ahead, only to realize they've been there all along.

2011-06-03T03:38:00.003+01:00

It's that time of the year again.

Boxes, bubble wrap, packing paper, rolls of tape and everything I own is strewn across the floor in some unfathomable way that only they can comprehend.

I've moved 11 times, going on 12 and 13 once the summer is over, in the past 4 years. Yet the packing, cleaning and moving feels so tiring and alien each time. Each time I do it, I swear I'm just gonna stay put. That doesn't happen.

Sometimes I think in the ever insane world you live in, the place you come back to, is your one constant in life. Most of the time, you know what to expect behind that door. You know there's some semblance of peace and comfort and sanctuary in those four walls no matter how small. And no matter what, it's yours to hold on to. When you move in, putting up an item, no matter how small is not just about moving something or putting it there. It's that tiny step among the many others that make that house into somewhere you wanna be. Somewhere safe.

Leaving? There are a few takes. There's the physical reminder of how fast life is moving and drastically pushing you along with it. There's the this place has been good to me. Or maybe you just can't wait to get the hell outta there. But, all the same, taking things down is always melancholic to me. Like my empty bookcase, or empty reception room, kitchen shelves devoid of my dozens of spice and sauce bottles, empty fridge (:(!!!) or my fluffy duvet off my bed. It doesn't change anything when you remove the accessories from something. Just like a person is who they are no matter the dressing. It's the inevitability of it all. Taking things down feels like I'm stripping away those little once hopes of settling. Taking things down is like removing a little part that once made it home.

True, a house is a house.

But, you can find houses. You have to make a home.

2011-05-26T21:49:00.002+01:00

It's February again.

I'm curled up on the couch staring out the window, just wishing for more vicious rain and hail and thunder and just a storm to blow everything away. A storm to feel something.

4 months of steady progress has gone to hell. It's like, there was progress, there was a journey, there was movement, but it was all a lie. Maybe I was deluding myself. Maybe I just, took a wrong turn, but, that path just, led to the beginning and I'm still wondering the same thing.

I used to think fear was good, fear meant there was something to lose, and something to lose meant there was something to hold on to. Something to fight for. Something worth living for. But now, I ask myself and countless people, what? What are we living for? What is the point?

We tell ourselves to study hard. We tell ourselves to be happy. We tell ourselves to be the best person we can be. But for what? To get a job? To live that one moment? To pretend being a good person makes a difference in this deteriorating world? And what's all that worth? Living life? What's the point of that?

I used to think there was a reason, a purpose. But, I don't see it anymore. Maybe it never existed. Maybe it was the fear. I can't feel anything now.

2011-05-26T15:13:00.001+01:00

"I'm praying that this stairway leads somewhere..."

2011-05-24T15:12:00.000+01:00

It's 11:11 somewhere. Make a wish.

2011-05-21T17:01:00.001+01:00

Carve your heart out yourself. It hurts less.

2011-05-20T03:26:00.005+01:00

We always think life is this uphill battle - everything that you want is a struggle and everything that isn't, well, we never think about that. We think about how to fight for things. We think about how hard it is. We think about how to get those things. What we need to get what we want. We think about what happens should we fail. What happens if you can't get to the top. How do we climb from the bottom? How do we swim against the current?

But maybe the key to it all is pretty simple. Maybe it's not the force or effort you make swimming up stream. Maybe it's not how hard you worked to make something happen. Maybe it's just letting it happen. Following the flow, going with the pace - not fighting the river, but going with it. Because when you think about it... Losing all control? Believing? Leaving it all up to the unknown? Managing one step at the time? Managing what you can at the time? Those are the real lessons aren't they? The harder ones we just have to take with the turns. And then things just happen, if you allow them to happen. :)

Hehe. It's nice to be wanted and know you're wanted.

2011-05-19T00:36:00.003+01:00

"You know what I don't get? Why're you trying so hard to fit it? When it's obvious you were born to stand out."

2011-05-18T01:56:00.002+01:00

I don't like it when I can hear my own voice in my head. Means I can't hear the voices anymore.

2011-05-17T14:10:00.002+01:00

Dear Me,

Present you, is writing a note to future you to document this unprecedented lack of stress and ultimately relaxed state in the middle of one of the more heavy exam periods in your life.

At this point in time, you have a paper on Thursday. You have looked at the content, but barely registered any details. All you are doing now, is calculating your accounts, dreaming of winning the Euromills and telling random people you want to go to St. Petersburg. You're singing along badly to some crappy lyrics and giggling at everything. During the past week where you had 3 papers, you spent the nights before reading the news, some shitty articles and mostly laughing at random things.

And, dear me, this is because the thought of failing an exam, is no longer associated with failing the rest of your life. Failing one exam, doesn't mean losing a first, which in previous times meant failing uni, which would lead to failing to get a job which would mean you would fail life and end up working at 7-11. So just to remind you, failing an exam, is just, failing an exam.

With love from,

Me. teehee. ♥

2011-05-15T03:49:00.002+01:00

Somedays, everything seems dark. Somedays, it seems bleak. Somedays, there seems like emptiness out there, it's all for nothing - and you start to wonder what you're doing here. Somedays the crushing weight of the future, expectations, dreams and goals are just too much. You become blinded. It's easy to lose faith.

But you make me remember. You give me something to believe in. Something to hold on to. Something to remind me, and make me fall in love over and over again. :)

2011-05-12T00:28:00.000+01:00

The only real commodity in this world is the scare and depreciating asset of time.

2011-05-11T01:08:00.001+01:00

just let me hold you while you're falling apart, just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

2011-05-06T19:08:00.002+01:00

I don't think I'll ever stop finding it funny, how life turns out. You can choose and pick and say or think what you want, or what you should want or what you think people want you to want. You can ardently believe in it, preach it and think that those beliefs are the anchor to your inner self. But. At the end of the day, it all means nothing. What you wanted or thought you wanted - it all fades away when that train called life just hits you in the face. And it all, doesn't matter.

2011-05-03T23:57:00.001+01:00

Take my hand and take me out of this place. Please?

2011-05-01T23:20:00.002+01:00

When you realize that you truly and absolutely don't care, you're finally free.

2011-04-27T11:50:00.001+01:00

You're waiting for a train. A train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you. But you can't be sure. But it's doesn't matter. How can it not matter where this train is taking you?

Because you'll be together.

My train has just passed the stop I'm suppose to get off. I'm still on the train. I'm laughing.

2011-04-25T18:58:00.002+01:00

People are always waiting to be given a chance. Waiting for someone else to give them an opening. You never realize, that giving yourself a chance is all you ever need.

2011-04-25T03:00:00.001+01:00

In too much pain, but too smart to die. The epitome of being absolutely totally completely fucked.

2011-04-24T23:36:00.003+01:00

"It doesn't do well to dwell on dreams, and forget to live."

So, this summer is going to be epic. Few reasons?

Cornwall
Peak District
America
Harry Potter 7.2
POTC 4
A DANCE WITH DRAGONS
Turning 21
Other awesome people turning 21
Falling in love with you all over again. ♥

2011-04-21T17:54:00.001+01:00

"and it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she had, but it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all.."

2011-04-21T00:25:00.001+01:00

Happy is an ending, not the story.

2011-04-20T18:59:00.007+01:00

So recently I stood on the weighing scale in the gym - a minute and effortless task I have been avoiding for at least a good year and a half - and totally jumped off in about 20 seconds. Just about enough time for me to catch where the dial was going to land. And it looked like it landed on 60 (kilograms). I had the shock of my life for the next 60 seconds.

What was going on? How did I get those extra 5kilos? What had I been eating? I did exercise. How did this happen?

60 seconds of insane and intensely loaded worry.

I didn't want to care. And deep down, I knew it didn't matter. But just the thought of mentally seeing that scale hand hit that number sent involuntary anxiety.

And the spiral began.

The next 4 hours that followed involved over obsessively wondering where it had all gone to, whining, and deep deep down, worrying what people would say.

I have never been so far to contemplate bulimia, anorexia or just not eating. I always got over it by exercising and then thinking, well, you've lost enough weight. But my fallacy riddled logic made the bruise that I thought had completely healed, still hurt pretty sharply when tapped.

The past year though, has made me realize how absolutely insanely fucking stupid it all is. A few pounds didn't change who I am. I'm healthy. My biochemical levels are all within normal levels. I don't have any weight related diseases. I don't even actually look any different.

It reminded me, as many other times have, how ridiculous it was that we were a skinny-centric society mostly valuing ourselves through the numbers off a scale. The words 'you', 'are' and 'fat' are as unthreatening as any of the other 300,000 words in the English language. But despite trying pretty hard not to get sucked into that world, the amalgamation of all three words became, at one point, the most hurtful thing I ever heard.

I was always brought up on idea that "girls should be skinny and thin" as eloquently put by some - and in my younger days thought that 'normal' or 'okay' was equally acceptable. I was quickly educated that this was not the case. I always thought that if you knew something to be true and believed in it innately, it didn't matter what other people said, because it doesn't change a constant. But hearing it everyday, all around you, all the time, your intangible faith gets harder and harder to hold on to, and suddenly, that does become true.

And it's not just about weight. It's the connotations we attach to the numbers on a scale or your dress size. People are bullied for being bigger than others. People are commented on being worthless because of a number. Worst of all is the belief that you're not good enough because maybe you have a double digit dress size. It preys on your mind, day in and day out fueled by a capitalist economy that's lost all sense of what it is to be humane. Cosmetics companies, fashion magazines and social media don't outwardly tell you there's something wrong, no that would ignite some legal ramifications. No. They subtlety give you hints for how you can do somethingbetter. Always better and better and better till you believe there was something wrong in the first place and that it's not good enough.

Don't get me wrong. It's not about vanity - that's been around for more than centuries. It's the way these industries try to wage a war on your self esteem. It's the way we've become a marketing society that can use the lines "we can give you a complete makeover" or "this can make you look perfect". It's the way some live with the belief that a face with no cosmetics is definitely not presentable. I get it. Cosmetics, accessories, for some, it's a hobby. It makes you feel good doing it. But, it's suppose to enhance, not conceal. It's suppose to be "I want it" not "I need it". It's the way they make you feel like something is always wrong.

People waste time on gyms, money on certain types of clothes and equipment "guaranteed to make you a size smaller!", and worst of all sometimes risking their lives for the "crazy" new diet that all the celebrities are definitely trying out. And for what? All in the name of beauty? To be accepted? To not be ridiculed? Those things aren't suppose to be achieved against your self esteem, or worth or your life. The idea of beauty in this decade, has been twisted to being something like "as skinny as you possibly can be". What the fuck is up with that?

I'm not giving a free pass to people who are lazy and don't want to exercise for health or losing weight to prevent high cholesterol, diabetes etc. I'm just sick of the insane standards. The unrealistic ideologies. Sick of to "being as thin as you can be!". Sick of guys who can say that girl is prettier cause she's thin (rather can proportion, geez). Sick of people commenting that perfectly applied make-up is beautiful (that's an insult btw) but brilliant features without a powdered chemical is overlooked. Sick of knowing how much those 3 little words will crumble someone. So...

Dear Society and social conventions,

This is how I celebrated turning 60.

With a whipped cream, double heavy cream based chocolate, marshmallow and fudge chunk ice cream with peanut butter and chocolate fudge, coco pops, krispy kreme and banana topped monstrosity.

Nobody is defined by a dress size or the number of pounds/kgs they are. Nobody should think the higher the number on the scale, the more things there are wrong with them. Being stick thin or make up caked doesn't necessarily mean beautiful (I think it means processed, personally). So fuck off.

With love. ♥.

2011-04-14T17:09:00.001+01:00

"I'll be your symphony, you'll be my one and only."

One awesome song will turn your day around. :)

2011-04-12T20:20:00.001+01:00

I don't want to play your game anymore.

2011-03-30T13:38:00.000+01:00

You were so naive. I miss you.

2011-03-29T16:04:00.004+01:00

The ability to feel like you're completely alone in your own world in a crowded Starbucks in the middle of a financial district of a vast metropolis with just an ipod plugged in and a book is nothing short of pure magic. ;)

2011-03-28T02:00:00.002+01:00

So. Managed to walk until my feet bled.

Did a couple of pirouettes down the street.

Got people contemplating my sanity.

It's been a good week. :)

2011-03-26T03:35:00.004Z

How is it that things can be so wrong and you can be so blind?

How is it that people are suffering and you don't care?

How is it that anyone can live with this?

What is wrong with you.

What happened to humanity?

Does it even exist anymore?

2011-03-25T00:27:00.001Z

The sun is shining and I just want to walk until my feet hurt. ;)

2011-03-23T22:52:00.005Z

It's been one of those rare weeks in London, where the sun just shines all day, temperature is perfect, 16 degrees? there's a light wind, there's something in the air and there's magic in everything. Took a walk past the Parliament house today. Caught the time of people getting off work. Street was filled with tourists and suits. Everyone was rushing.

Feels like it's been a really long while since I've taken a step back from it all. A month ago I was always rushing. There was work. There were classes. There were internship applications. There were papers to write. There was news to catch up on. There was all external reading you did so you could sound realllly fancy on an interview. There was so much worrying. And on top of that, the egomaniac that was me wanted to prove I had time for my books, catching up on tv shows, just sitting down and grabbing coffee, going for walks, excessively cleaning the apartment. Between all those things I don't wonder how I forgot about the things that are to be important to me. I really wonder how I had time to sleep.

And the thing is, I'm not special. Everyone else is out there doing the same. I guess it makes me wonder if this is what it is to life. Is this the point? Were we just born to have certain dreams and passions that pointed us in one career direction and we'd just compete to get there? Or is this what's made us forget about life? I don't fit the stereotype of my parents telling me to grow up and be a doctor, or a lawyer or an accountant. But sometimes I wonder if we're programmed to pick the safe route. Sure I knew I wouldn't hate the life of glass buildings, meetings, tailored suits and power games - might even have loved it, certainly liked it enough to venture into it. But I wonder if that's always what I've wanted.

It was sunny today, and all I wanted to do was sit on one of the bridges over the Thames and write. Someone told me "I hope you're a really good writer to do that." And I just think, that's so it. One of the reasons why people, so many people are in careers that they're unhappy with. We can't all be rockstars or live off the air. But, its the fact that we're so ingrained with these social values of financial security and social standing and the judgment of others that we forget about the things that once mattered to us. Forget just getting the courage to do it, we then need the courage to get past everyone else. We get so caught up in this race to get to some socially acceptable point that we've set that we forget to look up and around - the mess of financial jargon and academic journals I wrapped myself in resulted in the biggest writer's block ever - I could barely string a short story together. But if you just love it, why not just do it!!

I haven't gone hippie or vegan or threw my textbooks away. I guess I just can't help but ask what is it all for? Sure if you love it, go ahead. And sure there are things you do need to do, the practical things. Make money to put food on the table. Submit your essays. Go to class. But the excessive worrying? The time we spend on maybe over-doing things? The time we spent thinking of way to outdo someone else rather than do well for intrinsic satisfaction? What's that about?

There's a civil war going on in Libya. There were earthquakes and/or tsunamis in Japan, Haiti, New Zealand that affect hunderds of thousands of lives. There are floods in Australia and China. There are freak ecological events in America. Ireland, Spain, Greece are in financial crisis. There are demonstrations, protests and violence in Bahrain, Yeman, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Egypt, Tunisia, Algeria, Palestine, Jordan, Sudan, to fight for rights, for democracy, for humanity; all fighting for a chance to be heard, for a chance to live.

So I really have to wonder, what is all this rushing for?

2011-03-18T02:11:00.000Z

The past few days have been an onslaught of "pray for Japan" and "save Japan" and etc. I don't dispute whatever form this can be paraphrased to, although it does strike curiosity.

Half the people who I've seen sprout this litany immediately know of an earthquake mostly half the world away and yet know nothing of the troubles in Libya, Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, Yemen etc... But I digress. I don't mean to say anything of the awareness of current world events. I guess I'm wondering what makes it worst? Is it because it was sudden? More shocking? More media access? - where in Libya journalists have been attacked, kidnapped, thrown out of the country, killed. Is it something more relatable to? The reaction to a natural disaster rather than violence and a life all of us can never fully imagine? Is it more heartbreaking? Is it because it's a disruption rather than a war? Not something man made? Does it affect more lives?

Ultimately, many say Libya is a choice. An earthquake and subsequent tsunami isn't. But is this a difference with a distinction? Are human actions so controllable?

Leo Tolstoy once said, "Every action of theirs which seems to them an action of their own free will, is in a historical sense not free at all, but in bondage to the whole course of previous history."

We have choices. Yes. Choices. But the choice to choose is in itself a choice. And sometimes we don't choose to have a choice. We grow up with traditions, social conventions, ideologies, family values, historical backgrounds, cultural weaves all amalgamated with what we are innately - and sometimes, those things we're bound by, are as inevitable as a tectonic shift on the Earth's plates. Some will say even after all that, perhaps, you can learn something new, realize something, know, that you're doing the wrong thing. But are you so sure about that? Is change really so feasible when there are a set of particular characteristics that are what your entire life was sculpted around?

I don't mean to knock anyone around. Or belittle either issue. Only bring to knowledge that rebellion in oppression, that's not a choice. Bound in the course of history, it's almost inevitable. And perhaps even the random chances of where and when an earthquake lands might show sunnier odds.

2011-02-25T18:38:00.001Z

You start to realize how powerless you truly are when you try and buy time.

2011-02-24T14:48:00.001Z

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

2011-02-19T15:55:00.001Z

"I lean my head against your heart, I know I'm home."

2011-02-13T14:24:00.001Z

Sometimes bearing it on your own is preferable to talking to anyone. Because when you don't say it, when you don't hear it out loud, it's not real. And it's easier to pretend.

2011-02-13T03:43:00.001Z

"Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?

Would you get them if I did?

No you won't, cause you're gone, gone gone gone gone..."

2011-02-05T19:57:00.001Z

The problem with new friends? Mostly, they eventually leave.

2011-01-31T18:29:00.004Z

Old friends are hard to part with. Even for worst. They're familiar. They're comforting. It's easy. So easy, you forget what it's like to be swept away by someone else. Someplace better. It's a whirlwind that doesn't still and all you can do is wonder what that feeling is. ;)

2011-01-30T23:02:00.003Z

So let me get this straight, you say you loved me all along? What made you hesitate, to tell me with words what you really feel? I can see it in your eyes you mean all of what you say. I remember so long ago that I felt the same way. Now we both have separate lives and lovers. Incidentally enough we both have significant others. Only time will tell. Time will turn and tell. We are who we were when, could've been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend.

2011-01-29T17:17:00.000Z

Seeing ghosts in the middle of the night, now that's normal. Seeing them in the day, that's scary.

2011-01-28T21:06:00.000Z

I think we need a divorce.

2011-01-27T20:18:00.000Z

The most brilliant star is enlightening as she shines on all who looks upon her. But she will ever only see darkness. For it is blinding at the heart with so much light.

2011-01-23T02:44:00.001Z

I don't care about much. I never have. But I always knew there were things that mattered. Things that had meaning. Yet somehow, these days, everything seems to have lost it's meaning. What're we doing things for anymore? Why should I care? I don't care. Suddenly everything seems, less important. Life continues in a state of apathy, and I'm living my life in periods. Living my life only looking forward to moments rather than living in the moment. Stealing whatever short moments of amusement I can find. Moments enough to make me forget. I don't know what I'm forgetting. I'm still wondering how I got there.

Academic achievement used to mean something to me. It used to define me. Now I get by on mediocrity. Writing, writing used to mean something to me. Yet, I can't seem to write a sentence worth a wit. Even if I could, would it matter? Does it make me happy anymore? Books. Books were the light of my life. Now they are insubstantial. Pieces of squiggly lines I use to fill the days. It means nothing. I want to read other things, yet the apathy of not doing anything and wasting my life away seems more appealing. The idea of just, fading away in the world. Walks. I used to love long walks. I used to love the peaceful feeling of wondering a city before the crack of dawn, taking it all in. I used to love walking by the river bank. I used to love the smell of fresh coffee in the air. I used to delight in the pretty display of perfectly crusted pastries. I used to look at rain drops and see magic in the air. I used to see perfection in every sunrise and sunset. I used to see something divine in a thunderstorm. I used to dance in the snow and see fairytales in them. I used to find something phenomenal and unbelievably amazing when I read something that maybe wasn't great in syntax, diction or plot, but the fact that it contained raw emotion - the single basis to touch any human being. I used to just marvel at the sunlight, rocking back and forth on a swing too small for me. I used to be in love with the crashing of the waves. I used to feel my soul transcend a level at the sound of perfectly played chords. I used to know what I wanted. I used to believe in something.

I still love all those things, I want to believe. But I feel like I don't anymore. Like deep down, something triggers that says, 'this matters to you!!', but the emotional/mental scale doesn't register.

Is it the growth of cynicism over the years? Perhaps something I found so amazing when I was 15 lacks the luster because I know more of how life is? Perhaps ages wearies you? Perhaps, all those things are still true. Perhaps the passage of time makes you lose yourself, and you start to forget everything. Perhaps the longer life goes on, it's easy to settle. Perhaps thinking of all the things you have to do, all the things you have ahead, makes you think you have to squeeze out all those moments for your achievements.

I was brought up on the principle that whatever it was, I should know what I want. To be decisive. And to possess the characteristics that led to that end. Whether it was what I wanted for dinner. Which chocolate I could have. Or even what to buy from the toy store. I have always been told that I have to know what I want. And I have always thought that was the norm in life. Not knowing what I want now, where I'm going or what to do, it's going to put me into apoplectic shock. Perhaps uncertainty is the norm. Most people I know are unfazed by the unknown. They almost expect it. But I expect to know. And I did. And then, I didn't. I'm starting to wonder how important that is.

I'm wondering how I got to this place.

At the moment, I'm clinging on to anything that brings me closer to a semblance of myself. Anything that gives me a reason to find something that means something. But it's not enough.

I'm wondering if the things so important to me before just not important to me anymore? Did I love them less? Or have the entire foundations of my life been propped on fallacy? Could you somehow forget everything that once made you happy? Do they not make you happy anymore? Maybe you just don't care whether they make you happy. Maybe everything feels the same to you now. Maybe none of it matters. Maybe that's all true. But where does that leave you?

Most of all, how do you fix it?

2011-01-21T18:59:00.001Z

Tell me again why I'm suppose to care?

2011-01-14T19:20:00.002Z

Now I'm more in love with you than ever.... and.... I might not have you? AHHHHHHH. Decisions decisions. :'(

2011-01-11T23:11:00.000Z

All I need to do is make it through the next 12 hours. That's... doable?

2011-01-10T15:44:00.002Z

Things that went wrong before noon today:

1. The fire alarm has been going off every 15 minutes since 10am because they are 'testing' the alarm.
2. My starbucks was only filled 3/4 of a cup
3. I keep sneezing
4. My throat hurts
5. I keep coughing
6. I split my lip so it keeps bleeding
7. I can't eat due to the the affliction mentioned in 6.
8. I didn't get enough sleep
9. I have an essay to finish
10. Class starts tomorrow.

Holy frick on a stick.

FML.

2011-01-07T00:41:00.001Z

Sore-throat coming on. No more comfort food. Shit.

2011-01-06T04:54:00.001Z

Sometimes, we all need a little help. And it's okay.